October 12, 2011

Justify My Netflix: Thor

(Like many Netflix customers, I too can get quite lax with the timely watching and returning of my movies, which of course defeats the entire purpose of having a flat-rate rental plan in the first place. To combat that, I am now writing standardized mini-reviews of each and every movie I end up watching through Netflix, both instantly and on DVD. Don't forget, all previous 'Justify My Netflix' reviews can be found on CCLaP's main movie page.)

Thor

Today's movie: Thor, 2011 (Amazon | IMDB | Netflix | Wikipedia)

Why I added it to my queue: Because I admit to still having at least a bit of a morbid curiosity about every new superhero movie that comes out, no matter how big the glut gets or how bad the reputation of any particular one of them; plus this one happened to be directed by Kenneth Branagh, and I admit to an even bigger morbid curiosity as to what this Oscar winner and Shakespeare expert might do when handed the keys to a big-budget summer franchise.

The reality: Thor? Yeah, I'm thor that I had to thit through this thucking meth! (Whew -- I've been waiting an entire month to use that line. Make sure to tip your waitresses and bartenders, folks!) Because yes, every bad thing you've heard about this movie is true; the entire first half-hour is essentially nothing more than a cartoon, the writing is atrocious, the acting laughable, and once Thor himself is stripped of his powers and banished to Earth, the entire movie drops even the superhero premise and basically becomes yet another empty actioner about a wisecracking frat boy, as if everyone involved had just thrown their hands in the air, muttered "f-ck it," and decided just to remake Lethal Weapon. In fact, the more of these endless Marvel Comics adaptations I watch, the more I'm beginning to suspect that the people making them don't even keep in mind anymore that an audience will eventually be watching them; I'm beginning to suspect that the only reason films like this even exist is so that one giant corporate conglomerate can hand a hundred-million-dollar check to another giant corporate conglomerate, all the executives involved can get rich, and maybe after all is said and done, a two-hour celluloid strip containing a series of animated images might possibly exist, and may or may not contain humans speaking in a manner that may or may not be comprehensible. That's Hollywood in the 2010s in a nutshell; and I have to confess, such utterly depressing viewing experiences like this one is getting me closer and closer in my life to forever banning all big-budget actioners from my Netflix queue ever again, no matter how curious I might be about any particular one and no matter how easy it is to simply have it running in the background of my daily chores like the innocuous white noise they're now designed to be. Not just bad but literally a manifestation of America's entire downfall in the 21st century, this and the similarly hope-raping Green Lantern may finally signal the turning point for a lot of people, the moment that we collectively all finally gave up on even the concept of a major studio turning out a big-budget movie that's at least watchable. Occupy Hollywood!

Strangest piece of trivia: When Chris Hemsworth (playing Thor) and Anthony Hopkins (playing Odin) saw each other in full armor for the first time, Hopkins infamously declared, "God, there's no acting required here, is there?"

Worth your time? Are you f-cking kidding me?

Filed by Jason Pettus at 10:03 AM, October 12, 2011. Filed under: Movies | Reviews |